Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Moderate
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	Low
Narcissistic:	Low
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

- posted by Smurfy @ 4:21 PM

 
Tuesday

What started badly can end up well, I suppose.

I went to work today thinking that I would be working with David and Mary. Mary is my other boss, and the real big boss at work. She's the store's manager. We don't always get along. She tends to be abrasive with me if I ask her a question about pretty much anything involving what to do in the process of work, and that makes me feel pretty dumb. So, I don't usually look forward to working when she is the only boss around (Luke and Matthew are also my boss, but she's above them).

Anywhoo, at 5:00pm, I came downstairs to eat dinner. Mom said she'd get it ready in a second, leaving me a few minutes. I used this time to worry, it suddenly dawning on me that perhaps I was meant to be at work at 5:30 and not 6:00. I need half an hour to eat and half an hour to get to work, so this would be a problem. I of course seemed to have misplaced the paper I'd written my hours on, so my next option was to call the store. I picked up the phone upstairs only to find that Mom was talking to Dad. Not saying a word, I quickly hung it up and went into my room, digging my cellphone with the minimal charge left after a hard week of being on in my purse out and dialing the store number. Within a ring or two, I got an answer. I could tell it was David. He sounded just pleased as punch to hear from me (little sarcasm there). Thing is, I asked him if I was coming in at 6pm. He told me to hang on and I suppose he didn't put me on hold because I heard him ask someone if I was coming in at 6. He addressed them by name. It sounded like he said "Luke." I thought I might have just been imagining things, like I did with the phone call, but when I went into work, who should be sitting at the counter eating Domino's but Luke.

"You are so close to being late," he teased, smirking and shaking his head.

At the store, the penalty for being late is having to clean the staff bathrooms. I've sampled many restrooms in my life, and the ones at the store are pretty vile.

Still, apparently I will be the only one able to clean the females' bathroom from now on. Heather, the new girl from work who stood me up for the movies, has apparently stopped coming to work. She just isn't showing up anymore. I don't know what's going on with that, but I'm inclined to believe that she did it because she just got tired of working there or something. I only saw her the one time at work, but from what I heard of her from my coworkers and what I saw of the little "funny" (annoying, sometimes lewd) notes she left around the staff areas of the store, she didn't seem like the most dependable person. And I'm not just saying that because she didn't come to the movies. She came in to work the next day, but I had to go in early that day because she went home sick, so it's possible that she just didn't feel well. But anyway...

We got a lot of new items to add to the store yesterday (new release Tuesday and all), but the computer wasn't working to register it all, and everyone that Luke could have called to help him went home at 5pm. Mary was sick yesterday, which was why Luke came in at all, so she couldn't have helped either. At any rate, what looked like a daunting taskload for the night turned into almost nothing at all, as we couldn't put stuff out that wasn't in the computer yet. The new stuff stayed behind the counters.

The two most exciting things that happened were as follows: (1) We were invaded by the Red Bull Crew (2) Luke cut his head on an overhanging TV.

First ones first:

The RB people came in in a group. They were young people in their twenties. I think there were five of them. The young man at the front came right up to me at the door and starting talking. As per usual, I asked him if I could help him find anything.

"Yeah, I'm looking for the Energy," he replied.

Here's what an idiot I am, I thought he was talking about a real band.

After it was established that they were just kidding, they announced their true purpose: to spread the Red Bull Energy to places that need it. They gave me, Luke, and David each a free Red Bull. Luke was funny about it, he got a drop in his eye and started groaning "Argh, I've got energy in my eye. Now I can see!"

They were nice, and for once, they really weren't people selling something. Often people come into the store pretending to be normal customers but they're trying to sell us something. So this was a nice surprise. It's their job to go around spreading the RB love. They even drove a Red Bull truck.

The other matter isn't quite so pleasant. David and Luke were goofing around, with Luke throwing things at David. David huddled on the floor behind the counter and Luke ran behind and jumped up on the counter, then jumped from there, trying to land on David. Instead, he hit his head on the TV hanging behind the counter. He said he was okay, but then he discovered that he was bleeding. He went in the back and came out in a bit, having David examine the cut. I saw it too. It was little, nothing to worry about really, I suppose. It continued to bleed a bit, but Luke wouldn't do what I suggested to stop the bleeding. He said it was more painful to stop the bleeding than to just let it bleed. It wasn't too bad though, I don't think.

Elsewhat, Luke doesn't seem to be doing too well, however. He keeps talking about how he's not sleeping well, and last night he looked pretty bad, dark circles under his eyes and such.

I asked him how he was doing and he got a bit upset, snapping that, hadn't I been talking to him for the past few weeks? He hates his job (at the CD store), he still hasn't got a new one, he suffered, as I said before, a death in the family, and quite a precious family member at that. I feel really bad for him. I want to help but I don't really know how. He hasn't called because he wants to talk and I would call but for the whole fact that I'm a girl and he might get the wrong idea (I know what I've said in previous entries, but believe me, right now he doesn't need anyone moving in on him and that matters to me first). Before I left last night I pulled him aside and apologized if I've been a little abrasive lately (it's entirely possible, and surely just reading these entries, you can see that). He said I was okay.
- posted by Smurfy @ 10:02 PM

 
Monday

I don't know why I'm so careful with information on this blog, seeing as how no one reads it.

I can't stand it. I hate everything. I'm so miserable I don't know where to begin. I know it's said that everyone uses their blogs to whine about their lives when in reality it's probably not that bad, but I don't care. As I said, no one seems to read this one.

I'm so lonely. And I don't think I'll get to do what I want in life. If I grow up to have no one new who cares about me, no friends, no husband, nothing, and I don't even have a prayer of getting the job I want, then I don't want to grow up. What would I have then? Speaking purely for me and myself and being a selfish horrid brat like always, I would have nothing.

I finally got my packet from SCAD today. It came with a DVD about the college. It was a really nice thing. I watched a bit of it this afternoon and then I watched the whole thing with my parents and sister tonight. What I hoped would bring to light all kinds of good qualities about the college that I would give many internal organs to attend for four years turned out to just make my dad think I can't do it, Mom think we can't afford it, and Liz laugh at the gay guys and push my feet around.

My mother said on my direct questioning that the college looked really nice and like a really good school. Only, it's too expensive. My father makes a lot of money and WE CAN'T AFFORD TO PUT ME IN THE COLLEGE I WANT TO GO TO!!! I don't want to go to a college because it's close or cheap. I want to go to a college because it will train me for the career I want. How many times have I said this? It may as well be zero. No one listens. Mom seems to get it yet has all kinds of reasons for saying no to every college but the ones she finds. Not Carlow, it's too small and easy. Not UCLA, it's too selective. Not NYU, too selective. Not DigiPen, it's too far away. Not Savannah, it's too far away/obscure/expensive/take your pick. Mom's all excited now because TCNJ has a new major that seems to be up my alley. I don't know. It's so soon there's barely anything on the website about it. She's been hooked on TCNJ pretty much since the College Search began. It's cheap and convenient, and it's a school of good repute. There's no denying that, but I don't think it's a school of good repute for *animation*, do you? (Who am I asking?) It's in NJ, which is apparently where the movies around starting to be made now, but come on. I don't want to get a job running around with a clipboard and a headset, getting coffee for Kevin Smith and a bunch of well-fed movie men in business suits and sunglasses. I want to be one of those people who sits in front of their computer with a giant pair of headphones on, spending hours making Woody or Boo run across the screen. I want to be in Visual Effects, in animation. I don't think that going to TCNJ or Moore College (another of her picks) is going to give that to me. I think that SCAD would give me a much better chance. If it's only the money, I'll sell my kidneys to get student loans, but I want to go there.

And of course, my father isn't even registering it. His reaction was just what I thought it would be. That I can't do it. That I can't draw, can't animate, can't live alone, can't keep up with intensive classes. He asked my mother when he thought I couldn't hear if, should he ask me to draw something like a man on a motorcycle or a man running downhill, would I be able to draw it? WHY DON'T YOU ASK ME, DAD????????? WHY DON'T YOU TAKE AN INTEREST IN WHAT I'M DOING THAT ISN'T JUST OFFICIOUS TAKE-OVER? YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU'RE RIGHT! I'M THE STUPIDEST, MOST UNTALENTED PERSON IN ALL THE KNOWN UNIVERSE. That said, I want to go to college and study animation.

Break-off

By the way, for anyone who actually does read this blog, I'm sorry if I offended you with the opening comments. That was not my intention. I just get incredibly frustrated with the fact that I struggle to be there for everyone, online and offline, and no one I know can take two seconds to click on the comments option, even just to write "Wow Kate, this is a dumb blog." Like I said, I'm lonely. Which brings us to rant and rave #2.

Rant and rave #2

No one likes me. I'm all alone. There, I've said it.

I can't get anyone online to talk to me. Friends don't respond, people ignore me on message boards or just treat me like I'm strange. In real life, it's worse. They won't even talk to me if they don't have to. I can't get anyone from work or school to contact me outside of work or school. I've been tryign esp. hard lately. I call people who say they will call me but don't. I get a machine. I leave a message. Like a puppy, I wait for days, hoping and hoping for the phone to ring, for an email to come through. But it never happens.

Heather stood me up the other night for the movie. I called before Liz and I (that's all who ended up seeing the movie) went into the theater, but she didn't answer. I didn't leave a message. Mom scolded me that I should have. Sure, it's all my fault. No wait, I'm victimizing myself, according to everyone. Well, it's a heck of a lot easier to victimize myself than to say "Hey, I'm an alright person and people want to spend time with me" when I can't get anyone to return a call or email or, Heaven Forbid, email or call me first. It's like I'm a leper. It's like I'm quarantined (sp I know is off). It's like I'm a monster, an animal with other beings' blood all over my face.

Why won't anyone be nice to me? Why won't a boy email me? Why am I finding it so hard to find anyone to go see a movie with, when I have an extra ticket. A FREE MOVIE TICKET!!! To see the Extended LOTR:FOTR & LOTR:TTT! And no one will say "sure." Why not? What did I do to deserve no friends?

Why didn't Heather come to the movies? Why didn't Sarah call me back? Why didn't Priscilla or Bob ask for my phone number or email address? Why didn't Bill try to talk more to me? Why doesn't anyone at work invite me to one of the concerts they seem to go to in little groups? Why doesn't Noah call me? Why doesn't Luke call me? Why didn't he say yes when I asked him to go to the movies? Why didn't he say no either? Why do really good-looking guys flirt with me in the CD Store, confusing me? Why does David tend to lean towards leprosy-treatment with me? Why didn't Matthew give me his email address, too? Why doesn't Luke ask to come over and see MY house? Why didn't Heather ever call me? Why do I never have anywhere to go nights? Why do I fell like such a loser when I call one of my "friends" and their parent/answering machine says they're "out"? Why am I never "out"? Why don't I have anywhere to wear my Aradan Elf ears on Halloween?

Luke is leaving the store. I cry about this, I suppose. I think there is a part of me that is deeply affectionate for him, possibly in love. It's hard to tell. I remember the 5 second encounter I had with him YEARS ago, before working at the store was even a fathomable thing for me. He made an impression. And now, Saturday will be the last day I work with him. Three and a half short hours. The only good thing is, looks like I'm closing with him. We may get to talk without Noah interfering. I'm not going to profess love or anything (Heavens, no), but it would be nice to be able to talk to him. He is a very nice person. I don't want to lose touch with him. I don't want him to be another person like Sarah, Fred (either), Jeff, Heather, Liam, Pat, Tina, or pretty much anyone I know, after I stop being forced to encounter them. I gave him my number several weeks ago, after he suffered a death in the family and was really sad. I gave it to him, should he need someone to talk to because I listen well. He hasn't used it. I didn't expect him to, really, I was just trying to get the message across that he could call me whenever he wanted to. I found his number on the bulletin board in the back room. I'm too scared to call it. I don't know if he even wants me to. But I'm just scared and sad. I'm scared that I'll never see this wonderful man again and I'm sad about the fact that he seems perfectly alright with that. I thought that maybe he liked me to. Maybe he does. I don't know. Or maybe I'm delusional. The last time I saw him, the last thing I said to him was to call me, whether or not he could think of something about the movie. We got a call this afternoon when it was just me in the house. The caller ID said it was an unknown caller but it displayed the number. I didn't pick it up in time, but I thought that the number looked familiar, and then I leapfrogged to the notion that it was Luke's. I couldn't find right away where I had written his actual number down, and for perhaps a glorious hour, I entertained the delusional hope that he had called and simply not left a message. Perhaps too shy, or unaccustomed to leaving messages. After I finished my homework, I dumped my purse out and found a bank envelop with a phone number written in pencil on it. Though there was no name to go with the number, I knew this was where I'd written Luke's number. It was nowhere near that.

I guess that's what brought this wave of lonely-depression on.

- posted by Smurfy @ 9:12 PM

 
Monday

Of course, the day I have an hour and a half to kill between classes is the day I bring nothing to do. Still, it gives me a chance to catch up in here.

Let's see, where to begin:

1) School: I am at the community college now. I just got out of my last English Comp. I class. It's over. I have finished it. The exam was to write an essay. We had an hour and fifteen minutes. I finished in an hour, handed it in and called it macaroni. I left shortly after. Now all the classes I have are Computer Programming (Tuesdays and Thursdays) and Graphic Design II (which starts in an hour). This of course does not include the homeschool work I still have to do. I started the Screwtape Letters the other night. I wish I had brought it with me.

2) Work: There's a new girl at work. She's about my age. She's a clerk, like me. It's funny, I heard her described as a bit of a "drama queen" and I thought she was filling the position of assistant manager, so I pictured the worst before meeting her--tall, thin, blonde, built, beautiful, with all the guys falling all over themselves for her. I planned not to treat her meanly, but I expected far worse than what I got--a short, kind of pudgy girl with pigtails and a giant bullring in her nose. As my mother described her, Boo. What, I'm the only one who has seen Monsters, Inc.?

Anywhoo, I've been trying to schedule a movie date with this girl from my English class for a while. My sister invited a few people but none of them could come. I invited the new girl from work to come as well. She said yes right away and seemed very happy that I asked her. Now it looks like it may just be her and me and my sister, because my friend from class doesn't know if she can make it tonight. She wants to, but she may not be able to. I hope she can! We're going to see School of Rock and then we're going to the mall for something to eat and to windowshop. A sort of Girls' Night, if you will.

In other news, I threw up while I was at work the other night. Not on the floor or anything, I ran into the back room and got to the toilet before I let loose, but I threw up quite a bit. My boss was quite understanding, though. He let me go home right away. He said he didn't want me there if I was sick. I'm not actually sick. I mean, I went to work the next day. Still, he didn't know that and I wasn't entirely sure, either. I went home, took a shower, ate some dry, soothing food (crackers & pretzels), watched a little telly, started the Screwtape Letters, then turned my light out at 9pm. My mother thinks I was just tired and eating poorly. I think I was tired, eating poorly, and stressed. I finished my Soup-in-Hand and then immediately went in the back room and barfed. That's just weird. And it's not as if I have no reason to be stressed. Which brings me to my final point:

4) College: My father called me out of bed and downstairs at 8:15 on the one morning I could sleep late all week due to my schedule because he felt that he and Mom had to talk to me about college right then. What happened was not a conversation. It was Mom saying things I already knew and Dad yelling at me because he makes the money and feels like he decides where I go to school. I understand what he is saying about that, but he's not open to other colleges besides the ones he has heard of. He went to Harvard, and was actually confronted with the Harvard vs. Yale choice, so he wants me to go to some big Ivy-League School. First of all, I don't think I could get into one of those schools. Secondly, I want to be an animator, and there are plenty of really good colleges that look like they have really nice animation programs, but because my dad has never heard of them, he turns his nose up. He wasn't even aware that Savannah College of Art and Design, the college that I am really zeroing in on and really hoping to get into is a four-year school. Check out the website if you like. It looks like my dream school! And it's well-liked. I checked out that Harvard Schmarvard book at the library. I'm going to make a sort of presentation of it to Dad on Saturday. In the meantime, I'm also going to find a few other colleges to apply to (don't put all your eggs in one basket) and put together a faberoo portfolio to show to SCAD.

Well, that's all for now.
- posted by Smurfy @ 9:27 AM

 

A rabid book fan, after my own heart, but one who
has also watched the films. Care to join me on
the 'Reinstate the minor elf characters' rally?


Are you a Book fan, a Film fan, or a Drooler? (LotR)
brought to you by Quizilla

- posted by Smurfy @ 7:22 PM

 
What happens if I do THIS???


- posted by Smurfy @ 5:02 PM

 

The Ultimate LiveJournal Obsession Test
Category	Your Score	Average LJer
Community Attachment	4.3% You have one or two loyal pals on LJ... But you probably have better things to do with your time.	22.92%
MemeSheepage	33.33% Easily amused	28.88%
Original Content	41.94% Some stories must be told - and you're the one to tell them	38.88%
Psychodrama Quotient	4.82% Warning: Can Flame When Necessary	17.16%
Attention Whoring	15.91% Slothfully Seeking Susan	20.79%
Take The Ultimate LiveJournal Obsession Test and see how you match up!

- posted by Smurfy @ 2:42 PM

 

Morpheus


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla



My life is rated G.
What is your life rated?


- posted by Smurfy @ 2:18 PM

 
I post this on Wednesday, October 8, 2003, at 3:54pm. I will continue to add to this hereafter.

Stuff that makes me happy:

Liz
Mom
Dad
Kitt
Amaria
Punz
Jenn
May
Writing
Drawing
"Getting It"
Seven Nations
Lord of the Rings
My boys
Blogging
AIMing
When I feel wanted
When I unintentionally wear a smashing outfit
A whole day to do with as I please
Medieval Baebes
Studying Medieval history
When someone asks to read my story
Elves
Music
Elves' music
lipstick
lip balm
cold nights
window-rattling thunderstorms
face paint
The Price of Milk
Spirited Away
Waking Life
Deidre
Luke
wearing a skirt
my Elf
my posters
my taste in music
chicken soup
my pink blanket
phone calls
fanfic reviews
the thought that someone reads this blog
David's smile
Noah's antics
Matthew's antics
Running into friends
Uncomplicated and graceful prose
Laid-back, effective teachers
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, lotsa commas
Slang in writing
discovering a new band
studying Chinese
knowing difficult things
making music
being truly different
taking a chance
writing Chinese characters
mix CDs
helping people
spaghetti
the smell of spaghetti sauce
the smell of yellow cake baking
a good comedian
a pretty blog layout
figuring things out
getting a personal email from someone I know
when strangers greet me
when I greet strangers and they're not afraid
doing what's right
'''''''''apostrophes too
dialogue
the word "allegory"
the word "labyrinth"
when someone compliments something specific in my writing
when people notice me
when I notice little things
making lists

- posted by Smurfy @ 3:54 PM

 
Tuesday

It's turning into a rotten day. And I hate rotten days.

Maybe you've noticed a large gap in my entries here. No, it's not because I don't like to blog anymore. It's more along the lines of essay-term paper-note cards-outline-long animation-storyboard-store inventory-new hardware at work-new management at work. All work and no blog. I hate it.

It's not that I don't like the things I am doing. Even the schoolwork. I enjoy writing the essays (who wouldn't, getting nice grades--oh look, I've jinxed it), I like doing the animations (most of the time), I like going to work. It's just that, I'm on the brink of becoming an adult, as I'm sure I've stated many, many times, and I just feel like I'm missing out on the last bit of my childhood. I haven't worked on my novel in earnest in weeks. I haven't played a video game in months. The night I came home with TTT on DVD was the last time I watched a movie by myself. I have hours of TV shows that I want to watch but have ended up taping and putting on hold. I haven't gotten a chance to sleep late in over a week (I scrambled around over the weekend to finish more of the piled-on work). I told my mother my worries about not being able to do anything I want to do this semester because I'll be too busy, and she said that, with proper planning, I'll still be able to do what I want. But it's not working! I'm sure I'm not planning properly, but I don't get a chance to do what I want anymore! And when will I get that chance? At the end of the semester? Ain't got long before the next semester kicks in, and then in the fall, it's COLLEGE! Not that I'm not looking forward to it, but I WANT TO BE A KID! I WILL NOT GET THAT CHANCE AGAIN. I FEEL AS IF I'VE LOST IT NOW.

Plus, my pet guinea pig that we got six years ago died on Sunday morning, I got a lukewarm response to the animation I sweated blood to make nice while the rest in the room looked like crap in comparison (sour grapes abound), our English teacher overheard me and some other students complaining about how she kept badgering us for answers we didn't know (I apologized after class, but I still feel wierd about it), I actually was forced to say "I don't know" pointe blanke in class when my teacher asked me a question, so many of my friends have lost dearly loved ones in the past few weeks, I feel like all the students in my programming class don't like me, a guy in that class took all kinds of public credit for something he had no idea how to do until I showed him, five minutes before class started, I still feel like a major outsider at work, no boys want to call me, talk to me, flirt with me, ask me out, kiss me, etc, and I am beginning to hate having to get up at 6:30am every morning.

That's all. I'm not off to slit my wrists or anything, I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening.
- posted by Smurfy @ 3:25 PM

 






- posted by Smurfy @ 8:34 PM

 
Wednesday

Coming up for air from a gigantic nugget of work to say that my buggy animation program is driving me craaaaaaaaazy!!
- posted by Smurfy @ 8:14 PM